TODAY’S SERMON IS ENTITLED:
SONG OF SOLOMON CHAPTER 4:16/HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR WIFE A BLOW BY BLOW ON WHAT PRACTICALLY EVERY WIFE NEEDS AND LOVES TO HAVE DONE TO HER BODY.
SO TAKE OUT YOUR BIBLES LADIES SO YOU CAN’T SAY I MADE THIS UP.
YOUR TRADITIONAL PASTOR WOULD NEVER PREACH THIS KIND OF DOCTRINE. WHY BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW.
***************DO NOT READ ANOTHER FURTHER IF YOU’RE NOT READY FOR ROMANTIC LOVE MAKING TRUTH BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND A WIFE IN THE BIBLE WHICH IS WHAT THIS SERMON IS ABOUT*************
BUT FIRST A LITTLE ABOUT ME.
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ADDITIONALLY I AM NOT YOUR TRADITIONAL PASTOR-ORDAINED MINISTER, I AM A ORDAINED SCIENCE OF MIND, NEWTHOUGHT CHRISITAN MINISTER WHO DEALS WITH THE TRUTH & PROSPERITY THAT THE TRADITIONAL PASTOR-CHURCH-OR GOVERNMENT WON’T TALK ABOUT, BROKEN DOWN INTO A TEACHING THAT EVERYONE CAN UNDERSTAND.
LET ME REPEAT ***************DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU’RE NOT READY FOR ROMANTIC LOVE MAKING TRUTH BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND A WIFE IN THE BIBLE WHICH IS WHAT THIS SERMON IS ABOUT*************
NOW BACK TO TODAY’S SERMON: SONG OF SOLOMON CHAPTER 4:6
AGAIN TAKE OUT YOUR BIBLES LADIES SO YOU CAN’T SAY I MADE THIS UP.
TODAY WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE AND MAKING LOVE TO YOUR WIFE. I AM A MINISTER THAT DEALS WITH SUBJECTS THAT THE CHURCH WON’T TALK ABOUT LET ALONE TELL YOU DURING MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
SO DO NOT BE OFFENDED BY THIS SERMON, IT IS WHAT IS AND IF YOU AREN’T BEING SATISFIED YOU NEED ONLY TO LOOK AT YOURSELF AND UNTIL YOU STATE WHAT YOU NEED YOU WON’T GET YOU NEED.
MANY PASTORS WANT TO TELL YOU THAT THE CHAPTER FOUR OF THE BOOK SONG OF SOLOMON ONLY HAS SPIRITUAL VALUE. THAT IS B.S. (BELIEF SYSTEM) AND I AM GOING TO BREAK THIS CHANTER DOWN WHERE YOU KNOW BEYOU A SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHAT IS BEING SAID.
AS A MATTER OF FACT TOO MANY PASTORS NEGLECT THEIR WIVES WHILE PAYING ATTENTION TO SISTER THIS OR THAT BECAUSE SHE HAS A BIG HOUSE AND WIDOWED. SO HE TIPS OVER TO HER HOUSE WHILE TELLING HIS WIFE HE IS GOING TO MINISTER TO THE SISTER. YES HE’S MINISTERING BY BRING HER THE GOSPEL OF SEX AND MOANING AND GROANING JUST FOR THE DOLLAR BILLS THAT THE SISTER HAS. BUT MANY OF YOU KNOW THIS AND SIT BACK AND SAY NOTHING.
NOW LETS GET TO THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. AND WIVES REMEMBER YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOUR HUSBAND IS MINISTERING TO YOU ONLY.
TRUST IS ONLY A WORD, BUT YOU NEED TO VERIFY IF THE TRUST IS REALLY THEIR.
1 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
2 Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.
3 Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.
4 Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
5 Thy two mountains on your chest are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.
6 Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.
7 Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.
8 Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions’ dens, from the mountains of the leopards.
9 Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.
10 How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices!
11 Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.
12 A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.
13 Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard,
14 Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices:
15 A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.
16 Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.
NOW THAT WE HAVE QUOTED SONG OF SOLOMON FROM THE KING JAMES VERSION, LET US SPECIFICALLY FOCUS ON VERSE 16.
THE COMMAND THAT SOLOMON’S WIFE GIVES TO HIME AFTER SOLOMON STATES HOW FINE SHE IS.
“16 Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.”
MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT WHAT HIS WIFE IS TELLING HIM TO DO.
HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT SHE IS ASKING HER HUSBAND TO DO? BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS WHAT SHE TOLD HIM TO DO. WHAT EXACTLY DID SOLOMON’S WIFE COMMAND HIM TO DO?
“TASTE HER CHOICE FRUIT AND EAT HER GARDEN (TWAT,VULVA”)
LADIES IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO GET MARRIED SHOW THE MAN THIS SCRIPTURE AND ASK HIM TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU. IF HE CAN’T THIS ISN’T THE MAN THAT WILL PLEASE YOU ROMANTICALLY.
THE MAN MUST FIRST KNOW HOW TO DO WHAT SOLOMON’S WIFE OR YOU ARE TELLING HIM TO DO.
HE CANNOT PERFORM SUCCESSFULLY WITHOUT THE BIBLICAL KNOWLEDGE OF THIS SCRIPTURE.
LADIES LISTEN UP & KEEP READING. TELL YOUR HUSBANDS THAT THEY MUST:
1)BE DOWN: Don’t go down unless you’re down. Eating Vulva can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.
2)DON’T SAY HI TO DRY: A dry VULVA is an unhappy VULVA. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping. Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.
Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking THE VULVA too soon is sure to put out the fire.
3) SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.
Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her the two mountains on her chest & then her stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those beautiful two mountains on her chest. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her VULVA, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of VULVA eating time in the long run.
When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual VULVA. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first tonguing. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that a rosey VULVA smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies. Important: Never bite the VULVA in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
4)PARTING THE RED SEAS: Isolate your playing field. THE GARDEN OF EDEN hairs are to eating VULVA what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her VULVA is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
5)THE GRAND ENTRANCE: Do your first TONGUING super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the back door hole and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard tonguings” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per tonguing). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea VULVAS and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.
6) ROCK THE BOAT: Eating VULVA is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of scuba diver. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the VULVA. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little VULVA who’s boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the VULVA hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later. Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the Boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
7)IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE: After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of VULVA. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. If she forced you down there with a whip and your balls in a vice … well, hell, you are going to pay for it anyhow.
Extra tip: VULVAS come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and “Oh my God” means bring it on.
- CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and tongue her right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him hard by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you a darn thing because she’s a vulva and she has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick her butt anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to explosions, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue loving.
As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her explosion. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-explosive you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her tonguing until the magic hands come down to pull you off.
- CLITS THAT DON’T: Some vulvas don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she explodes, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t explode, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.
THE CONCLUSION: Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of ecstacy to heaven.